Social Skills Through an Autistic Lens: A Qualitative Analysis of Young Adults’ Insights and Experiences

Participants described the challenges of mismatched communication styles and the perceived imbalance in societal expectations. Participants often expressed concerns about “seeming rude” due to these differences, highlighting the underlying tension between communication preferences.

Sarah illustrated this disconnect, saying, “there’s unwritten special rules that everyone has to follow.” This comment encapsulates the struggle to navigate implicit social norms that can result in autistic people feeling disadvantaged. Sarah’s sentiment reflects a recurring theme among participants, where the invisibility of “rules” fosters feelings of exclusion and confusion. As Aria elaborated, “NTs tend to seek out hidden meanings in our words, whereas we seek directness in theirs,” underscoring the perceived bidirectional nature of this disconnect. This tension is well-documented in research, which shows that mismatched communication styles can act as significant barriers to mutual understanding (Crompton et al., 2020c).

Clara likened the social knowledge of NTs to being given a “handbook at birth,” a metaphor that captures the perceived advantage NT people may have in decoding social contexts. Ethan’s comment, “just use your common sense but…common sense isn’t always so common”, underscores the challenge he faces in navigating social norms that may seem intuitive to NTs. William added, “It’s an unfortunate reality but we don’t make the rules… they think, why can’t you be normal?”. Lucas believes that “nuances come naturally to NT people. The difficulty of navigating these norms may also permeate familial relationships. Riley expressed “it makes me really sad that they don’t like including me in things, but I think it’s literally just because I’m just not on the same… wavelength…they can just talk to each other so like, without pressure” regarding her NT sisters. This aligns with research showing that autistic people frequently feel different and disconnected from their peers (Crompton et al., 2023; Smith & Sharp, 2013). It must be noted that NT people also vary in their social skills and access to social knowledge.

The perceived imbalance in societal expectations further exacerbates these frustrations. Aria and Sarah discussed how “autistic people can be so straightforward with their intentions,” yet they feel NT people often fail to reciprocate this transparency. Aria remarked, “That is why so many NT people don’t communicate what they actually mean.” This observation may point to a broader societal bias in which autistic people are expected to adapt to NT norms without reciprocal effort. This sentiment aligns with research indicating that autistic people, particularly women, feel heightened pressure to conform to societal expectations (Yau et al., 2023).

For some participants, online communication provided a reprieve from these challenges. Noah shared that he prefers online interactions because “the normal rules of socialising don’t apply…it’s completely different because you can look over what you’ve said, what you’ve written before sending it”. This highlights the benefits of asynchronous communication, which allows for greater reflection in interactions. Logan similarly appreciated the ability to explicitly signal intent in online spaces, saying, “you can literally put in brackets -this is a joke– or -this is sarcasm- or things like that”. These remarks emphasise the role of digital platforms in reducing the ambiguity and pressure often associated with face-to-face communication.

Participants described anxiety, self-doubt, and a sense of exclusion stemming from societal pressures to conform. These feelings often contributed to a perception of being an outsider.

Thomas illustrated this sense of exclusion by comparing interactions with NT people to “window shopping” or being on the “outside looking in,” metaphorically capturing both his longing for connection and the barriers preventing it. This imagery underscores the dual experience of yearning for inclusion while feeling fundamentally separated. Riley echoed these sentiments in the context of her NT siblings, explaining, “It’s painfully obvious… I’m nothing like them,” highlighting her sense of disconnection. These reflections resonate with research on the experience of being an outsider among NT peers (Cage & Howes, 2020; Goodall, 2018).

Participants also expressed frustration at the perceived double standards in societal expectations. Logan remarked, “you’re always expected to conform to the etiquette of everyone else around you and then you start to notice how they don’t do it at all”, pointing to a potential unfairness in societal expectations, underscoring the pressure autistic people may experience to conform (Griffith et al., 2011). While these frustrations are significant, they may also resonate with NT people who feel excluded, encouraging reflection on the shared human experience of navigating social dynamics.

The emotional impact of this social divide was further evident in participants’ accounts of self-doubt. Finn shared how conversations cause his mind to “just kind of race,” leaving him opting for “short answers”. Similarly, Thomas described how “when it comes to other people, you notice there’s a lot of eyes on you and it tends to, like, make you kind of clear minded.” His description reflects a heightened self-awareness and discomfort, consistent with the cognitive overload some autistic people experience during social interactions. Noah added to the discussion, expressing feelings of inadequacy when interacting with strangers. These findings align with research indicating that up to 50% of autistic people experience social anxiety, a significantly higher rate than in the NT population (Spain et al., 2018). This heightened anxiety often leads to social withdrawal, further compounding isolation (Cappadocia et al., 2011).

The desire to live authentically aligns with the concept of unmasking, which is advocated by autistic pride movements and emphasises embracing one’s true identity (Weaver et al., 2021). Unmasking is not only about self-expression but also requires navigating the complexities of societal expectations, with safety often being a critical consideration (Hartman et al., 2023).

Research has shown that autistic people, both adults (Nguyen et al., 2020) and children (van der Cruijsen & Boyer, 2020), often experience lower self-esteem and self-worth. Autistic youth, in particular, are vulnerable to low self-esteem and internalising symptoms (van der Cruijsen & Boyer, 2020). However, it is important to acknowledge that many autistic people are confident and content with their identity (Cooper et al., 2020).

A prominent theme among participants was to “connect more with other autistic people”. This preference stemmed from a shared understanding and ease in communication that was sometimes lacking in interactions with NT peers. While many participants described challenges in forming or maintaining NT friendships, they emphasised the unique sense of connection and mutual understanding that autistic friendships provided.

The dynamics of friendships were a key focus. Sarah described an earnest belief in people’s good intentions, stating, “you tend to put a lot of trust in people and assume that everyone has your best interests at heart”. In contrast, Riley conveyed a sense of disconnection, remarking, “you’ll never fit into that space, and they don’t even have to try”, underscoring the isolation she experiences due to perceived differences.

The appeal of autistic friendships was echoed in the shared experiences participants described. Aria shares, “I think a reason why it’s so much easier to like, converse with other neurodivergent people because you interrupt each other all the time and it’s absolutely fine”. Sarah described herself as a “neurodiversity magnet”, intuitively recognising shared traits even before her diagnosis. Similarly, Ethan states “I have a couple of autistic friends that I knew before I knew about their diagnosis… there were certain quirks of theirs that you kind of pick up on”. Logan echoed this sentiment, sharing, “There have been multiple times where… they aren’t diagnosed when they meet me and I’ll be like– oh, I’ve noticed all of these things- and then they’ll get diagnosed later”. These quotes collectively underscore the resonance and instinctive connection many autistic people find in autistic friendships.

Participants highlighted the ease of communication with other autistics. Riley observed, “it’s easier not having to explain everything”, and April expressed apprehension about NT people due to fears of being misunderstood “if you don’t get it, it’s like a really big deal”. This suggests a heightened sensitivity to misunderstandings in NT interactions. Aria captured the comfort of quiet companionship or parallel play, saying, “we’ll just sit in a room and not even speak to each other and, like, share memes”. This sentiment was echoed by April, who elaborated, “It’s much easier to just be yourself and just, like, hang out in a room without talking to each other for, like, hours”. These descriptions reveal the value placed on non-verbal connection and the mutual understanding that silence is not awkward but comforting.

These experiences align with literature highlighting the tendency to form friendships with those who share similar traits (McPherson et al., 2001; Sinclair, 2010). However, as autistic people can feel like a social minority, they may experience pressure to conform when interacting with NTs (Crompton et al., 2020a; Livingston et al., 2019).

Masking was a prominent strategy participants used to camouflage autistic traits and blend into NT environments. This often involved monitoring and adjusting behaviours, suppressing natural tendencies, and adhering to expected social conventions. For instance, Isa reflected on the effort required to maintain eye contact:

I’m talking to the wall and I’m dead happy, dead confident to talk to the wall but to NT people, I make sure that I am at least like, looking at you directly for as long as I can. I never knew this was a thing with other people, that they didn’t do, that like, nobody else says, okay now look away, and now you can look at them again… nobody else does apparently but it’s all I’ve ever done.

Isa’s account underscores the cognitive load and hyper-vigilance involved in compensatory strategies. Her description illustrates how deeply ingrained these adaptations become, to the point that she only later recognised their divergence from NT norms. Similarly, Kai described the constant awareness and self-regulation masking entails,“it feels like you’re very cautious of every move you make, you know? You try to not overreach or…. being aware of everything that you’re doing, having second thoughts, and also trying not to stand out”. Logan shared, “I mask really hard all the time and so, I feel like I’m very good at a lot of the social skills that are expected of me” but acknowledged the dissonance this created, “now you’re out there and you’re not conforming to your own standards.” This reflects broader findings that masking involves adapting to a “predominantly non-autistic social world” (Cook et al., 2021, p. 1) through strategies such as suppressing stimming behaviours (Livingston & Happé, 2017). Masking is a common experience among autistic people, particularly among women (Hull et al., 2020; Lai et al., 2016; Schuck et al., 2019) and has been associated with heightened levels of stress and increased risks of suicidality (Cage & Troxell-Whitman, 2019; Cassidy et al., 2018) despite providing short-term social benefits. Efforts to adapt or mask can lead to autistic burnout, characterised by chronic exhaustion, reduced daily living skills, and an increase in autistic traits (Higgins et al., 2021; Phung et al., 2021). Although the academic exploration of autistic burnout is relatively recent, it has been discussed extensively in online autistic communities for more than a decade (Arnold et al., 2023). While most participants recounted making conscious efforts to conform to NT norms, some narratives highlight deviations from this pattern.

Many participants engaged in mimicking behaviours, deliberately copying others’ speech patterns, mannerisms, or conversational styles to fit in. Noah deliberately copies others’ speech patterns. Noah and Riley consciously copied others, with Noah being cautious when speaking and Brandon emphasising his constant second-guessing of every word. April expressed feeling like a “fake version” of herself, while Isa explains “we just go with the norm anyway and how we’ve seen everybody else act.” These narratives align with findings that autistic people often employ compensatory strategies fit in (Bargiela et al., 2016). Such strategies, while effective in achieving short-term social acceptance, are often described as double-edged swords, leading to missed opportunities for authentic self-expression (Livingston et al., 2019). Autistic women tend to compensate more frequently than autistic men (Bargiela et al., 2016; Lai et al., 2016). Assimilation, adopting behaviours or interests to fit in, is often reported as a motivation for masking among late-diagnosed autistic women (Hull et al., 2017). However, these strategies may obscure traits of autism and complicate diagnosis (McQuaid et al., 2021).

Many participants developed structured routines and preparation rituals to manage social interactions. Adaptive coping mechanisms featured prominently.

Clara, for instance, articulated her efforts to learn eye contact norms, “I don’t know how long to keep eye contact with someone…, but I’ve learned to do it the best way that I can”. Diagnosed at 18, Sarah recounted developing a structured system for managing conversational pauses, “Oh my God, how wasn’t I diagnosed earlier? I developed a system that if it was quiet for three seconds, then I’d speak” While these strategies helped navigate NT social spaces, Sarah emphasised the emotional toll they exacted, describing them as stressful and exhausting. This aligns with Riley’s observation that “it’s why we’re so tired all the freaking time,” a sentiment Isa echoed by noting “and why we have so many headaches”. These reflections reveal the dual nature of adaptive strategies—enabling social navigation whilst also having consequences.

Preparation rituals further illustrate the cognitive and emotional demands of social interaction. Ethan and Brook described rehearsing conversations beforehand, while Clara created lists of questions to facilitate small talk, echoing findings from Hull et al. (2017) regarding camouflaging experiences. Logan reflected on the deliberate effort required to navigate social interactions, noting, “you have to think about your social skills and how you’re interacting with people… you’re relying on things that I don’t necessarily have the same amount of access to”, indicating that these skills might not be intuitive. This highlights the conscious processing often involved in interpreting and responding to social cues.

All participants recounted negative experiences in socialising, which often contributed to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and social withdrawal. These experiences ranged from struggles with trust to difficulties interpreting social cues.

Many expressed a struggle with “awareness of what’s around them” reflecting the difficulties autistic people may face in interpreting verbal and non-verbal cues during interactions. Several participants expressed a general wariness towards NT people. Alana and April are cautious of NT people, staying quiet unless among close friends. This hesitancy reflects a protective strategy, which aligns with research indicating that autistic people may avoid interactions to shield themselves from potential judgment or misunderstanding (Cola et al., 2022).

Brandon shared how repeated experiences of deception during his school years led to feelings of anger, a strong aversion to school, and eventual social withdrawal. His account illustrates the impact of peer mistreatment on well-being, consistent with findings on bullying among autistic children and its association with earlier school refusal compared to NT peers (Ochi et al., 2020).

Difficulties regarding interpersonal dynamics, such as “understanding social cues and emotions” was another common challenge. Isa’s struggles hindered her ability to form meaningful relationships, while Finn described a fear of “saying the wrong thing at the wrong time” and “sometimes, I’m so unable to read the room that I say stupid things, and then people just look at me like, Who the hell is he?”. His account highlights the self-consciousness and fear of judgment that can accompany social misunderstandings. Research suggests that NTs may form less positive first impressions of autistic people, potentially influenced by misperceptions that hinder social integration (Alkhaldi et al., 2021; Sasson et al., 2017). Finn’s decision to retreat into silence after a negative experience during a game may reflect a coping mechanism to protect himself.

Skills such as “initiating a plan” and “asking people to hang out” were identified as challenging. Noah explained, “I think the hardest part and one of the most important parts is being able to initiate conversation or initiate an interaction”. Difficulties with initiation may be associated with autistic inertia, which describes the difficulty in acting on one’s intentions (Buckle et al., 2021). Autistic people can be less likely to initiate social relationships (Liebal et al., 2008), which may also be related to executive functioning (Lieb & Bohnert, 2017) or social anxiety, with approximately 40% of autistic people experiencing an anxiety disorder (van Steensel et al., 2011).

Feelings of isolation were prevalent. Ethan expressed a preoccupation with how others perceived him, while William described loneliness in school, “nobody talked to me, and I didn’t really talk to anybody.” Thomas described how leaving the classroom after class symbolised his social struggles, saying, “I was the last out—that’s kind of how it felt in the conversations”. This sense of being left behind aligns with literature on the profound loneliness experienced by autistic students (Goodall, 2018; Kasari & Bowker, 2013).

Participants shared the emotional toll of navigating social interactions, often compounded by the pressure to conform to NT norms. These experiences frequently resulted in anxiety, burnout, and difficulties establishing healthy relationships.

Sarah characterised masking as a “survival mechanism” sharing, “I had to study what was going on around me in order to like, fit in… otherwise I was ostracised immediately… and I was being ostracised as it was”. Her account emphasises the emotional toll of constant self-monitoring and the fear of social exclusion, consistent with research linking masking to autistic burnout (Chapman et al., 2022). Lucas described overanalysing every detail, reflecting anxiety and self-criticism. This resonates with research showing autistic adults exhibit clinically significant levels of worry, surpassing those of NT adults (Black et al., 2022).

Many participants, particularly women, described experiencing certain relationships as “toxic,” conveying the negative impact on their mental and emotional well-being. Sarah explained her challenges in “negotiating boundaries and identifying red flags” which often led to harmful dynamics. Her struggles illustrate the heightened vulnerability that can arise from difficulties in social inference.

The emotional toll of navigating social spaces was particularly evident in Riley’s recollection of school, “it turns out I was like, everyone was like, laughing at me and not with me”. This memory underscores the vulnerability of those who are seen as different. These accounts align with research showing autistic women’s challenges with social inference and susceptibility to bullying (Sedgewick et al., 2019). Participants also reported experiences of friendships ending abruptly, reflecting the complexities and nuances of forming and maintaining friendships (Hickey et al., 2017). Regarding gender differences, girls regardless of diagnosis, have reported higher ‘positive friendship quality’ than boys (Head et al., 2014; Sedgewick et al., 2019).

Participants highlighted the challenges of navigating relationships and the impact of stereotypes on their self-esteem and social interactions.

Clara struggled to maintain family contact after moving to college. She mentions that her established routine—such as calling her mother every night—was disrupted when her grandparents were away for an extended period. Following their return, Clara found it challenging to resume regular communication, which led to her labelled as ‘cold and manipulative’ by her family. This highlights how deviations from established routines, often misunderstood by others, can strain relationships and perpetuate stigmatising labels. Isa echoed these sentiments, noting the damaging impact of being labelled in such ways.

Logan feared repercussions for discussing his interests, saying, “if I talk about what I care about, I’m going to be punished for that in some way…, you’re like, I need to find a way to be normal about this”.This statement underscores the internalised pressure to conform to expectations. Logan’s fear of judgment led to withdrawal, as he chose to hide his true interests to avoid rejection. Isa reinforced this experience, saying, “I learned very, very quickly that people didn’t like hearing about my interests”. These accounts emphasise the tension autistic people may feel between expressing themselves authentically and meeting societal expectations, which often results in self-censorship and social isolation.

Receiving a late diagnosis served as both a catalyst and a barrier to self-acceptance: it facilitated greater self-understanding and accommodations whilst also highlighting prior struggles with self-acceptance. Participants described both positive adaptations and the lingering challenges that stemmed from navigating social norms without earlier support or awareness.

As shared by Clara, “getting diagnosed changed my life”. Sarah now accommodates her needs, such as using noise cancelling headphones in social situations and a whiteboard to manage her days. Poignantly she shares “you were kind of… surviving before, but now you’re living like, sure, you were able to get on by but, that doesn’t mean that you were comfortable”. This highlights the difference between enduring life and actively thriving. For April, “It feels like things about you, that you didn’t understand, or other people didn’t understand… kind of…get a meaning”. Her experience illustrates how a diagnosis can serve as a lens to reinterpret past experiences, offering both explanation and closure for previously misunderstood aspects of oneself. Similarly, Aria avoids socialising in uncomfortable environments, like nightclubs, stating, “I had to get so drunk because I could not deal with the sensory stuff at all… and then it just kind of full spiralled”. Here, Aria identifies a problematic coping mechanism for socialising, which might have been mitigated with a deeper self-understanding earlier in life. Peer pressure among young people to drink must also be noted. Sarah reflects on the internalised doubts she experienced before her diagnosis,

I think I’m autistic but there would be a huge voice in my head being like, no you’re not, you’re making this up for attention and like, even though it still happens in my head, having that diagnosis has like, significantly improved that.

Her experience highlights the pervasive impact of self-doubt.

Research has found a correlation between a stronger identification with autistic social identity and higher self-esteem (Cooper et al., 2017, 2020; Corden et al., 2021). However, those with higher self-esteem may also be more likely to engage with the neurodiversity movement.

Participants noted that standardised social skills programs might cover skills they have already mastered. Brook described the approach as “generic copy and paste”, sharing, “I was able to guess what they were going to say next, and I was 100% accurate”. His criticism reflects a broader sentiment that standardised social skills programs often employs a one-size-fits-all methodology, ignoring individual contexts. Lucas emphasised recognising individual strengths and weaknesses, stating “people have difficulties and strengths in different areas and to be able to simply identify those is huge”, reflecting a fundamental flaw in standardised programs. This perspective aligns with concerns that standardised social skills programs may unnecessarily focus on already acquired skills. Logan also worried that standardisation might reduce social skill learning to mere adherence to societal norms. Brook advocated for a more targeted approach:

Stop putting it as, you know, everyone is struggling with -this- thing so we’re going to do it- this- way…. there’s no point wasting time on the bits that you don’t need help with…because that’s just going to get yourself paranoid and waste money, time, and energy that just isn’t worth it.

These concerns highlight the importance of allowing people to develop social skills in a way that aligns with their own values and needs rather than imposing uniform expectations. Participants expressed a preference for explicit, practical approaches that emphasise direct communication and actionable strategies rather than abstract, implicit social rules that may not align with their authentic selves.

Another concern is that standardised social skills programs may teach skills that participants do not find relevant or necessary. Ethan suggested that this could lead to adverse psychological effects, such as “paranoia and self-doubt”. He emphasised the importance of recognising that not everyone perceives a need for change, cautioning against “putting people in boxes”, which may lead to second-guessing oneself. Ethan advocated for a modular approach to social skills programs, akin to college courses, granting autonomy to tailor learning experiences to personal needs. This modular approach aligns with a neurodiversity-affirming perspective, allowing people to select the areas they want to develop rather than assuming. This could involve an initial assessment to identify specific goals, ensuring that training remains both relevant and affirming.

Alana highlighted, “what can we do to use your skills to your advantage” rather than assuming deficits. For example, confidence-building could be supported, as higher self-esteem is linked to a stronger perception of unique abilities (Nguyen et al., 2020). Her perspective reinforces the value of tailoring social skills programs to harness individuals’ existing abilities, rather than assuming deficits. The context of social skills program implementation is also important, considering who initiated it and whether participants provided explicit consent. Ensuring that programs are voluntary and participant-led is crucial. These factors must be examined to assess how choice and autonomy impact the effectiveness of social skills programs.