Skip to main content

Theoretical and Methodological Underpinnings of Resilience in Couples: Locating the ‘We’

  • Chapter
Book cover Couple Resilience

Abstract

In this chapter, I discuss facets of the couple’s collective sense of self and experience of ‘we-ness’ that contribute to resilience in intimate relationships. The pervasive challenge throughout this discussion is to make more intelligible the abstract concept of the ‘we,’ which is as elusive as it is profound and powerful. Based on the assumption that language and communication are fundamental to the couple’s co-constructed identity and life world, two different bodies of literature are reviewed: One linguistic, emphasizing couple pronoun usage, and the other storied, emphasizing partners’ co-construction of shared meaning and narrative. Whereas the former is referential of the ‘we,’ the latter is expressive of it. Both frameworks, I argue, have substantive implications for resilient adaptation in couples. Intersubjectivity theory and dialogic dialectics form the basis for this discussion. Other relevant concepts reviewed include the roles of collective identity, self-other identity formation and maintenance, mutual attunement and responsiveness, and empathy in fostering couple resilience. Although verbal expression is noted as a very fruitful entry point for ‘locating the we,’ its limitations and specifically the omission of both the embodied and intangible aspects of couple experience (and their relationship to couple adaptation) are acknowledged.

This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.

Access this chapter

Chapter
USD 29.95
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Available as PDF
  • Read on any device
  • Instant download
  • Own it forever
eBook
USD 84.99
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Available as EPUB and PDF
  • Read on any device
  • Instant download
  • Own it forever
Softcover Book
USD 109.99
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Compact, lightweight edition
  • Dispatched in 3 to 5 business days
  • Free shipping worldwide - see info
Hardcover Book
USD 109.99
Price excludes VAT (USA)
  • Durable hardcover edition
  • Dispatched in 3 to 5 business days
  • Free shipping worldwide - see info

Tax calculation will be finalised at checkout

Purchases are for personal use only

Institutional subscriptions

References

  • Acitelli, L. K. (1993). You, me and us: Perspectives on relationship awareness. In S. Duck (Ed.), Individuals in relationships (pp. 144–174). London: Sage.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Agnew, C. R., Van Lange, P. A. M., Rusbult, C. E., & Langston, C. A. (1998). Cognitive interdependence: Commitment and the mental representation of close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 939–954.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Alea, N., Singer, J., & Labunko-Messier, B. (2015). “We-ness” in relationship defining memories. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 163–177). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Alea, N., & Vick, S. C. (2010). The first sight of love: Relationship-defining memories and marital satisfaction across adulthood. Memory, 18, 730–742.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Antonovsky, A., & Sourani, T. (1988). Family sense of coherence and family adaptation. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 50, 79–92.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Aron, A., & Aron, E. N. (1986). Love as an expansion of self: Understanding attraction and satisfaction. New York: Hemisphere.

    Google Scholar 

  • Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Tudor, M., & Nelson, G. (1991). Close relationships as including other in self. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 60, 241–253.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Atkinson, B. J. (2013). Mindfulness training and the cultivation of secure, satisfying couple relationships. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, 2, 73–94.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Atkinson, B. (2015). Relationships and the neurobiology of resilience. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 107–120). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Badr, H., Carmack, C. L., Kashy, D. A., Cristofanilli, M., & Revenson, T. A. (2010). Dyadic coping in metastatic breast cancer. Health Psychology, 29, 169–180.

    Article  PubMed Central  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Barnes, S., Brown, K., Krusemark, E., Campbell, W., & Rogge, R. D. (2007). The role of mindfulness in romantic relationship satisfaction and responses to relationship stress. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33(4), 482–500.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A. (1987a). Symbols of relationship identity in relationship cultures. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 4, 261–280.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A. (1987b). Cognition and communication in the relationship process. In R. Burnett, P. McGhee, & D. D. Clarke (Eds.), Accounting for relationships (pp. 192–212). New York: Methuen & Co.

    Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A. (1990). Dialectical contradictions in relationship development. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 7, 69–88.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A. (1993). The social side of personal relationships: A dialectical analysis. In S. Duck (Ed.), Social context and relationships (pp. 139–165). Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (1996). Relating: Dialogues and dialectics. New York: Guilford.

    Google Scholar 

  • Baxter, L. A., & Montgomery, B. M. (2000). Rethinking communication in personal relationships from a dialectical perspective. In K. Dindia & S. Duck (Eds.), Communication and personal relationships (pp. 31–53). New York: Wiley.

    Google Scholar 

  • Berg, C. A., Wiebe, D. J., Butner, J., Bloor, L., Bradstreet, C., Upchurch, R., et al. (2008). Collaborative coping and daily mood in couples dealing with prostate cancer. Psychology and Aging, 23, 505–516.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Berger, P., & Kellner, H. (1964). Marriage and the construction of social reality. Diogenes, 46, 1–24.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Bodenmann, G. (2005). Dyadic coping and its significance for marital functioning. Washington, DC: American Psychological Association.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. New York: Aronson.

    Google Scholar 

  • Buber, M. (1958). I and Thou. Edinburgh, UK: T. & T. Clark.

    Google Scholar 

  • Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., & Katz, L. F. (1992). How a couple views their past predicts their future: Predicting divorce from an oral history interview. Journal of Family Psychology, 5, 295–318.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Burnett, R. (1987). Reflection in personal relationships. In R. Burnett, P. McGhee, & D. D. Clarke (Eds.), Accounting for relationships (pp. 74–93). New York: Methuen & Co.

    Google Scholar 

  • Burpee, L. C., & Langer, E. J. (2005). Mindfulness and marital satisfaction. Journal of Adult Development, 12(1), 43–51.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Bury, M. (1982). Chronic illness as biographical disruption. Sociology of Health and Illness, 4, 167–182.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Carrere, S., Buehlman, K. T., Gottman, J. M., Coan, J. A., & Ruckstuhl, L. (2000). Predicting marital stability and divorce in newlywed couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 14, 42–58.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Clark, M. S., & Mills, J. (1979). Interpersonal attraction in exchange and communal relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 37, 12–24.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Clark, M. S., & Mills, J. (2012). A theory of communal (and exchange) relationships. In P. A. M. Van Lange, A. W. Kruglasnki, & E. T. Higgins (Eds.), Handbook of theories of social psychology (Vol. 2, pp. 232–250). Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Crossley, N. (1996). Intersubjectivity: The fabric of social becoming. London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • De La Ronde, C., & Swann, W. B. (1998). Partner verification: Restoring shattered images of our intimates. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 75, 374–382.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Drigotas, S. M., Rusbult, C. E., Wieselquist, J., & Whitton, S. W. (1999). Close partner as sculptor of the ideal self: Behavioral affirmation and the Michelangelo phenomenon. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 77, 293–323.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Epstein, S. (1990). Cognitive-experiential self-theory. In L. A. Pervin (Ed.), Handbook of personality: Theory and research (pp. 165–191). New York: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Fergus, K. D. (2011). The rupture and repair of the couple’s communal body with prostate cancer. Families, Systems & Health, 29, 95–113.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Fergus, K. D., & Reid, D. W. (2001). The couple’s mutual identity and reflexivity: A systemic-constructivist approach to the integration of persons and systems. Journal of Psychotherapy Integration, 11, 385–410.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Fishbane, M. D. (2011). Facilitating relational empowerment in couple therapy. Family Process, 50, 337–352.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Gergen, K. (1987). Toward self as relationship. In K. Yardley & T. Honess (Eds.), Self and identity: Psychosocial perspectives (pp. 53–63). New York: Wiley.

    Google Scholar 

  • Glickhauf-Hughes, C., Wells, M., & Chance, S. (1996). Techniques for strengthening clients’ observing ego. Psychotherapy, 33, 431–440.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

    Google Scholar 

  • Harvey, J. H., Pauwels, B. G., & Zickmund, S. (2005). Relationship connection: The role of minding in the enhancement of closeness. In C. R. Snyder & S. J. Lopez (Eds.), Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 423–433). New York: Oxford University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Hermans, H. J., Kempen, H. J., & Van Loon, R. J. (1992). The dialogical self: Beyond individualism and rationalism. American Psychologist, 47, 23–33.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Hollingshead, A. B. (1998). Retrieval processes in transactive memory systems. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74, 659–671.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Husserl, E. (1960). Cartesian meditations: An introduction to phenomenology (D. Cairnes, Trans.). The Hague: M. Nijhoff.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ickes, W., & Simpson, J. A. (1997). Managing empathic accuracy in close relationships. In W. Ickes (Ed.), Empathic accuracy (pp. 219–250). New York: Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • James, W. (1950/1890). The principles of psychology. New York: Dover.

    Google Scholar 

  • Josselson, R. (1994). Identity and relatedness in the life cycle. In H. A. Bosma, T. L. G. Graafsma, H. D. Groterant, & D. J. de Levita (Eds.), Identity and development: An interdisciplinary approach (pp. 81–102). London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Karpel, M. (1976). Individuation: From fusion to dialogue. Family Process, 15, 65–82.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Kayser, K., Watson, L., & Andrade, J. (2007). Cancer as a “We-disease”: Examining the process of coping from a relational perspective. Families, Systems & Health, 25, 404–418.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kozlowski, A. (2012). Mindful mating: Exploring the connection between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 28(1–2), 92–104.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kuijer, R. G., Buunk, B. P., & Ybema, J. F. (2001). Are equity concerns important in the intimate relationship when one partner of a couple has cancer? Social Psychology Quarterly, 64, 267–282.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Lepore, S., & Revenson, T. (2006). Resilience and post-traumatic growth: Recovery, resistance and reconfiguration. In L. Calhoun & R. Tedeschi (Eds.), Handbook of post-traumatic growth: Research and practice (pp. 24–46). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.

    Google Scholar 

  • Lyons, R. F., Mickelson, K. D., Sullivan, M. J. L., & Coyne, J. C. (1998). Coping as a communal process. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 15, 579–605.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Maines, D. R., & Bridger, J. C. (1992). Narratives, community and land use decisions. The Social Science Journal, 29, 363–380.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • McAdams, D. P. (1985). Power, intimacy & life story: Personological inquiries into identity. Homewood, IL: Dorsey Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Mead, G. H. (1934). Mind, self & society. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Minuchin, S. (1974). Families and family therapy. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Montgomery, B. M., & Baxter, L. A. (1998). Dialogism and relational dialectics. In B. M. Montgomery & L. A. Baxter (Eds.), Dialectical approaches to studying personal relationships (pp. 155–183). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

    Google Scholar 

  • Neff, L. A., & Broady, E. F. (2011). Stress resilience in early marriage: Can practice make perfect? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 101, 1050–1067.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Neff, L. A., & Karney, B. R. (2009). Stress and reactivity to daily relationship events: How stress hinders adaptive processes in marriage. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 97, 435–450.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Pennebaker, J. W., Mehl, M. R., & Niederhoffer, K. G. (2003). Psychological aspects of natural language use: Our words, our selves. Annual Review of Psychology, 54, 547–577.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. New York: HarperCollins.

    Google Scholar 

  • Reid, D. W., & Ahmad, S. (2015). Identification with the relationship as essential to marital resilience: Theory, applications and evidence. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 139–161). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Reid, D. W., Dalton, E. J., Laderoute, K., Doell, F. K., & Nguyen, T. (2006). Therapeutically induced changes in couple identity: The role of we-ness and interpersonal processing in relationship satisfaction. Genetic, Social, and General Psychology Monographs, 132, 241–284.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Reis, H. T. (2013). Relationship well-being: The central role of perceived partner responsiveness. In C. Hazan & M. I. Campa (Eds.), Human bonding (pp. 283–307). New York: The Guilford Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. R. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck (Ed.), Handbook of personal relationships (pp. 367–389). Chichester, UK: Wiley.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rentscher, K. E., Rohrbaugh, M. J., Shoham, V., & Mehl, M. R. (2013). Asymmetric partner pronoun use and demand–withdraw interaction in couples coping with health problems. Journal of Family Psychology, 27, 691–701.

    Article  PubMed Central  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Richardson, G. E. (2002). The metatheory of resilience and resiliency. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58, 307–321.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Robbins, M. L., Mehl, M. R., Smith, H. L., & Weihs, K. L. (2013). Linguistic indicators of patient, couple, and family adjustment following breast cancer. Psycho-Oncology, 22, 1501–1508.

    Article  PubMed Central  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Rohrbaugh, M. J., Mehl, M. R., Shoham, V., Reilly, E. S., & Ewy, G. A. (2008). Prognostic significance of spouse we talk in couples coping with heart failure. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 76, 781–789.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Rohrbaugh, M. J., Shoham, V., Skoyen, J. A., Jensen, M., & Mehl, M. R. (2012). We-talk, communal coping, and cessation success in a couple-focused intervention for health-compromised smokers. Family Process, 51, 107–121.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Rusbult, C. E., Wieselquist, J., Foster, C. A., & Witcher, B. S. (1999). Commitment and trust in close relationships: An interdependence analysis. In J. M. Adams & W. H. Jones (Eds.), Handbook of interpersonal commitment and stability (pp. 427–449). New York: Kluwer Academic/Plenum Publishers.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Sarbin, T. R. (Ed.). (1986). Narrative psychology: The storied nature of human conduct. New York: Praeger.

    Google Scholar 

  • Seider, B. H., Hirschberger, G., Nelson, K. L., & Levenson, R. W. (2009). We can work it out: Age differences in relational pronouns, physiology, and behavior in marital conflict. Psychology and Aging, 24, 604–613.

    Article  PubMed Central  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Sillars, A., Shellen, W., McIntosh, A., & Pomegranate, M. (1997). Relational characteristics of language: Elaboration and differentiation in marital conversations. Western Journal of Communication, 61, 403–422.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Simmons, R. A., Gordon, P. G., & Chambless, D. C. (2005). Pronoun use in marital interaction: What do “you” and “I” say about marital health. Psychological Science, 16, 932–936.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Singer, J., Alea, N., Labunko-Messier, B., & Baddeley, J. (2015). Mutuality and the marital engagement-type of union scale (me to us): Empirical support for a clinical instrument in couple therapy. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 123–137). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Singer, J. A., & Salovey, P. (1993). The remembered self: Emotion and memory in personality. New York: Maxwell Macmillan International.

    Google Scholar 

  • Skerrett, K. (1998). Couple adjustment to the experience of breast cancer. Families, Systems & Health, 16, 281–298.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Skerrett, K. (2015). Resilience in couples: A view of the landscape. In K. Skerrett & K. Fergus (Eds.), Couple resilience: Emerging perspectives (pp. 3–22). Dordrecht, the Netherlands: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Skowron, E. A. (2000). The role of differentiation of self in marital adjustment. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 47, 229–237.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Slatcher, R. B., Vazire, S., & Pennebaker, J. W. (2008). Am “I” more important than “we”? Couples’ word use in instant messages. Personal Relationships, 15(4), 407–424.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Spence, D. (1986). Narrative smoothing and clinical wisdom. In T. R. Sarbin (Ed.), Narrative psychology: The storied nature of human conduct (pp. 211–232). New York: Praeger.

    Google Scholar 

  • Stolorow, R. D. (1994). The intersubjective context of intrapsychic experience. In R. D. Stolorow, G. E. Atwood, & B. Brandchaft (Eds.), The intersubjective perspective (pp. 3–14). Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc.

    Google Scholar 

  • Stolorow, R. D., Atwood, G. E., & Brandchaft, B. (1994). The intersubjective perspective. Northvale, NJ: Jason Aronson Inc.

    Google Scholar 

  • van Nes, F., Runge, U., & Jonsson, H. (2009). One body, three hands and two minds: A case study of the intertwined occupations of an older couple after a stroke. Journal of Occupational Science, 16, 194–202.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Volosinov, V. N. (1973). Marxism and the philosophy of language (L. Matejks & I. R. Titunik, Trans.). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

    Google Scholar 

  • Wachs, K., & Cordova, J. V. (2007). Mindful relating: Exploring mindfulness and emotion repertoires in intimate relationships. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 33, 464–481.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Walsh, F. (1996). The concept of family resilience: Crisis and challenge. Family Process, 35, 261–281.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Walsh, F. (2003). Family resilience: Strengths forged through adversity. In F. Walsh (Ed.), Normal family process (pp. 399–423). New York: The Guilford Press.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Wegner, D. M. (1986). Transactive memory: A contemporary analysis of the group mind. In B. Mullen & G. R. Goethals (Eds.), Theories of group behavior (pp. 185–208). New York: Springer.

    Google Scholar 

  • Wegner, D. M., Erber, R., & Raymond, P. (1991). Transactive memory in close relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61, 923–929.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • White, M., & Epston, D. (1990). Narrative means to therapeutic ends. New York: W.W. Norton.

    Google Scholar 

  • Widdershoven, G. A. M. (1994). Identity and development: A narrative perspective. In H. A. Bosma, T. L. G. Graafsma, H. D. Groterant, & D. J. de Levita (Eds.), Identity and development: An interdisciplinary approach (pp. 103–195). London: Sage.

    Google Scholar 

  • Wile, D. (2002). Collaborative couple therapy. In A. S. Gurman & N. S. Jacobson (Eds.), Clinical handbook of couple therapy (3rd ed., pp. 91–120). New York: Guilford.

    Google Scholar 

  • Williams-Baucom, K. J., Atkins, D. C., Sevier, M., Eldridge, K. A., & Christensen, A. (2010). “You” and “I” need to talk about “us”: Linguistic patterns in marital interactions. Personal Relationships, 17, 41–56.

    Article  Google Scholar 

Download references

Acknowledgements

I wish to thank dear colleagues Brain Doan, Karen Skerrett, and Kim Watson for their helpful review and feedback on an earlier draft of this chapter.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

Authors

Corresponding author

Correspondence to Karen Fergus Ph.D., C.Psych. .

Editor information

Editors and Affiliations

Rights and permissions

Reprints and permissions

Copyright information

© 2015 Springer Science+Business Media Dordrecht

About this chapter

Cite this chapter

Fergus, K. (2015). Theoretical and Methodological Underpinnings of Resilience in Couples: Locating the ‘We’. In: Skerrett, K., Fergus, K. (eds) Couple Resilience. Springer, Dordrecht. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-017-9909-6_2

Download citation

Publish with us

Policies and ethics