Abstract
One of the major challenges involved in the transition to parenthood is maintaining a high quality relationship between the child’s parents or guardians. The research of Dr. John Gottman, who based his research on observations of hundreds of couples interacting with each other, is used as a foundation for discussing key concepts and principles in maintaining relationship quality. His concepts and ideas are subsumed under two three-part models, the first of which includes “maximizing positive affect,” “regulating conflict constructively,” and “avoiding development or escalation of destructive patterns and attitudes.” The second model, identified as the “triangle model,” uses moral values and character as a foundational and responding creatively and specially to your partner as a capstone, with relationship principles in the middle. The chapter concludes with an appendix that links Gottman’s concepts and principles with similar ideas and patterns from Jewish and Christian ancient scriptures, hinting at no small degree of continuity over the millennia for what does or does not work well in close relationships. Case history examples are presented throughout the chapter for discussion.
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Appendix
Appendix
Parallels between Chapter Concepts and Models with Ancient Wisdom Scriptures (Ecclesiastes 1: 9)
Larger concepts | Specific actions | Gottman (2011) pages | Corresponding scriptures |
|---|---|---|---|
Gottman model | |||
Developing trust by maximizing positive affect, so each partner believes the other has their best interests at heart | 29–31, 38–39, 52, 74, 78 | Leviticus 19: 18; 2 Samuel 1: 26; Proverbs 15: 17; 17: 17, 31: 11; John 15: 12; 17: 26; Romans 13: 8; 15: 2; I Corinthians 13: 13; Galatians 5: 22; Philippians 2: 4; Colossians 3: 14; I Thessalonians 3: 12; 4: 9; 5: 11; 2 Thessalonians 1: 3; Hebrews 13: 1; I Peter 4: 8; I John 2: 10; 3: 11, 23; 4: 7–11 | |
Showing positive affect, 5: 1 ratio of positive to negative exchanges | 15, 17 | Proverbs 15: 1, 26; 16: 24; 22: 11; 31: 26; Amos 4: 5; Matthew 24: 12; Romans 12: 10; 14: 19; 15: 14; Ephesians 4: 32; 5: 25; Philippians 2: 4; 4: 6; Colossians 3: 15, 17; 2 Timothy 3: 2 | |
Being grateful for partner’s positive qualities | 339, 374 | Psalm 13: 6; 26: 3; 95: 2; Nehemiah 12: 31; Luke 22: 17; John 11: 41; Romans 1: 21; 2 Thessalonians 1: 3; | |
Sharing fondness and admiration, affirming the other | 29–31, 151–155 | Ruth 1: 16; Proverbs 10: 11; 12: 25; 15: 23, 26, 30; 16: 24; 27: 2, 21; 31: 26, 28; Romans 12: 10; 14: 19; 15: 2; Philippians 2: 3; Ephesians 4: 29; Colossians 4: 6, I Thessalonians 5: 11 | |
Catching the other person doing good things and expressing appreciation rather than trying to catch them doing “bad” things | 29 | Romans 14: 1–10, 13; Philippians 2: 14; 4: 8; Colossians 4: 6; I John 4: 18 | |
Avoiding mere flattery | Proverbs 2: 16; 5: 3; 7: 21; 26: 25; Psalm 5: 9; 12: 23; 28: 3; I Thessalonians 2: 5 | ||
Meeting needs | 193 | Proverbs 3: 27; 11: 24–26; 14: 21; 31: 11; Luke 11: 5–13; John 13: 14; Acts 2: 45; Romans 12: 13; 2 Corinthians 9: 7; Galatians 6: 10; I Thessalonians 5: 15; Titus 3: 8; James 1: 27; I John 3: 17 | |
Empathy/listening, getting in touch with partner’s perceived reality, feelings, pain, needs, dreams | 221 | Proverbs 14: 10; 18: 2, 13; 20: 3; Romans 12: 15; I Corinthians 12: 26; James 1: 19 | |
Create shared meanings | 37 | Philippians 2: 2 | |
Discover and support each other’s life dreams | 36 | John 10: 16, 28; Philippians 4: 8 | |
Turning toward one another in frequent, if small, ways | 24, 30, 193, 199–200 | Psalm 90: 12; Proverbs 7: 15; 19: 22; Ephesians 5: 16; Philippians 2: 3 | |
Being a friend | 29 | Proverbs 18: 24; 31: 11; Song of Solomon 5: 16; John 15: 14; Romans 15: 7 | |
Having fun, being playful | 28 | Ecclesiastes 2: 1; 9: 9 | |
Accepting influence | 20, 24, 28 | Proverbs 1: 25, 30; 3: 11–12, 28; 9: 8–9; 10: 17; Romans 12: 10; Revelation 3: 19 | |
Being trustworthy and/or giving trust | 177 | Proverbs 3: 29–30; 31: 11 | |
Enjoying sexual intimacy and benefits of associated body chemistry | 135 | Proverbs 5: 18, 19; 7: 16, 18; 30: 18; Ecclesiastes 9: 9; Song of Solomon (all, see 1: 2; 8: 3); I Corinthians 7: 3–5; Hebrews 13: 4 | |
Understanding love maps | 29, 31, 37, 157–168 | I Peter 3: 7 | |
Sense of “we-ness” versus “me-ness” | 155 | Psalm 133: 1; Proverbs 3: 27; Romans 12: 16; Philippians 2: 2; 4: 2; I Peter 4: 1 | |
Pray for others | I Timothy 2: 1 | ||
Regulating conflict constructively | 32–34 | ||
Maintain positive affect during conflicts | 25 | Colossians 1: 11; 4: 6 | |
Resolve issues so the negative thoughts don’t keep recycling in your your mind (Zeigarnik effect) | 210–211 | Colossians 3: 19; Philippians 4: 6–7 | |
Being willing to discuss it constructively and resolve problems where possible, with neutral affect | 27, 65, 80 | Proverbs 27: 5, 6; 28: 23; Psalm 34: 14; Romans 12: 14; Philippians 2: 2 | |
Attack problem, not each other; focus on what partner can do that will help—“here is how I feel, and here is what I need [positive] from you”; find the life goals or dreams behind the conflict | 26–27, 36,193, 220 | Psalm 34: 14; Proverbs 18: 21; 27: 6; 31: 11; I Corinthians 13: 5; I Peter 3: 11; 5: 14 | |
Avoiding harsh start-up; use gentle start to any potentially tense discussion | 23, 27, 114 | Proverbs 1: 11; 12: 18; 14: 17, 29; 15: 1, 18; 16: 32; 20: 3; 21: 9, 19; 25: 15; 31: 26; Galatians 5: 22–23; 6: 1; James 1: 19, 3: 6, 10; Matthew 5: 22; I Corinthians 13: 5; I Thessalonians 2: 7 | |
Catharsis model of anger is not correct | 15, 25 | Proverbs 14: 16, 29; Colossians 3: 8; Philippians 4: 5; James 1: 20 | |
Begin repair attempts at lower levels of negativity | 24 | Proverbs 13: 24; 27: 6 | |
Avoid blaming criticism | 17, 26–27, 122, 219 | Proverbs 15: 1; Matthew 5: 22; John 8: 10–11; Romans 14: 10, 13; James 1: 19; 4: 11; 5: 9; I Peter 2: 1 | |
Avoid defensiveness | 17, 122, 195 | Psalm 112: 7; Proverbs 3: 11; 6: 23; 9: 8; 13: 18; 27: 16; 28: 1; 29: 25 | |
Avoiding contempt | 17, 123 | Proverbs 22: 10; 24: 17; Matthew 7: 1; Luke 6: 37; Romans 14: 3, 10; Hebrews 12: 15 | |
Avoiding stonewalling | 17, 123 | Proverbs 21: 29 | |
Honoring weaknesses, enduring vulnerabilities | 216 | Proverbs 12: 10; 20: 3; Romans 15: 1; I Thessalonians 5: 14; I Peter 3: 7 | |
Editing, thinking before you speak | 195 | Proverbs 3: 30; 4: 14–16, 24; 10: 19; 11: 12–13; 12: 16, 23; 13: 3; 15: 28; 17: 29; 18: 13; 19: 11; 21: 23; 29:11, 20; 30: 32; Philippians 4: 5; James 1: 19, 26 | |
Soothing self/other effectively, taking breaks, to calm emotions | 19, 28, 125, 130, 133 | Job 16: 2; Psalm 69: 20; Proverbs 12: 25; 15: 1; John 14: 27 | |
Emotional attunement, soothing, calming, practicing a “calm presence” | 189–196 | Luke 10: 41 | |
Positive versus negative sentiment override | 18, 32, 72–73 | Romans 12: 21 | |
Remaining more or less affectively neutral during conflict | 64 | Romans 12: 14; Philemon 1: 4–22 | |
Using active listening (from a condition of neutral affect) | 22–23, 196 | Proverbs 14: 10; 18: 13 | |
Being willing and able to compromise | 33, 271 | Proverbs 11: 14; 15: 22; 20: 18 | |
Complimenting your relationship while in conflict | 271 | Philemon 1: 4–7 | |
Taking responsibility for your contributions to the conflict | 271 | Philemon 1: 18; James 5: 16 | |
Using humor | 271 | Proverbs 13: 13; Ecclesiastes 3: 4 | |
Looking for points of agreement | 271 | Proverbs 16: 7; John 4: 1–27; 17: 21–23; Acts 15: 13–21, 17: 23–29; I Corinthians 3: 3–14 | |
Finding dreams within a conflict | 36 | Proverbs 29: 18 | |
Positive sentiment override | 32 | Psalms 1: 12 | |
Not turning against or away | 17, 199 | Proverbs 12: 4 | |
Avoid flooding the other emotionally or being flooded as this blocks empathy and effective problem solving | 19, 120–125, 128, 130, 207–208 | Proverbs 19: 13; 21: 19; 27: 15 | |
Avoid tendency to merely summarize your own views rather than ensuring you understand your partner’s feelings and views | 20, 271 | Proverbs 12: 9; 29: 11; Eccleiastes 5: 3; 10: 14; I Corinthians 4: 19 | |
Emotional regulation— Comfort with own emotions, discussing emotions with others | 1 Thessalonians 2: 8; Hebrews 2: 18; 4: 15 | ||
Situational, informational anger versus manipulative, strategic anger | Genesis 49: 6; Exodus 11: 8; Nehemiah 9: 17; Job 32: 5; Psalm 30:5, 37: 8, 85: 5, 86: 15; 103: 8, 145: 8; Proverbs 22: 24; Ecclesiastes 10: 4; Jeremiah 23: 20, 25: 7, 32: 37; Jonah 4: 2; Nahum 1: 3; Mark 3: 5; I Corinthians 15: 5; Ephesians 4: 26, 31; James 1: 20 | ||
Weekly meeting to consider issues | 218–221 | ||
Being truthful, not lying, not slandering | Colossians 3: 9; Ephesians 4: 25; James 4: 11; 5: 16 | ||
Forgiving | 355–356, 365–366; 376–377 | Genesis 50: 17; Exodus 32: 32; 2 Chronicles 7: 14; Psalm 103: 3; 130: 4; Jeremiah 31: 34; Matthew 6: 12–15; 18: 20–35; Mark 11: 25; Luke 7: 43–48; Luke 17: 14; Colossians 3: 13 | |
Avoiding development/Escalation of destructive patterns or attitudes | 130 | ||
Avoid the nasty/nasty state of gridlock; easy to get into, hard to get out of for unhappy couples; hard to get into, easier to get out of for happy couples | 68, 71 | Proverbs 17: 13; I Thessalonians 5: 15 | |
Avoid/Bail out of escalating conflict, try to break the cycle to avoid ending up in an adsorbing state | 17, 24, 81, 125 | Proverbs 15: 1, 18; 17: 9, 14; 20: 20; 25: 21; Psalm 37: 8; Matthew 5: 44; Romans 12: 14–21; I Corinthians 6: 7; I Peter 2: 23, 3: 9 | |
Avoid use of physical or emotional abuse designed to punish or control the other | 352 | Romans 12: 17; I Timothy 3: 3 | |
Avoid development of exaggerated, negative attributions (selfishness) about the other’s character, associated with vilification of each other and gridlock at dealing with problems | 35, 175, 204, 212–213 | Proverbs 18: 19; Hebrews 12: 15; Colossians 3: 19 | |
Making fewer favorable and more unfavorable comparisons of one’s current partner with other possibilities | 337–338 | Malachi 2: 14–15 | |
Avoid the distance and isolation cascade | 130–131, 206, 213 | Proverbs 18: 19; 24: 17; Matthew 24: 12 | |
Triangle Model | |||
Developing a special relationship | Being enthusiastic | Song of Solomon 4: 10; Colossians 3: 23 | |
Showing love in precise, knowledgeable, and timely ways | Proverbs 13: 12; 15: 23; Luke 11: 13; John 13: 14; Phiippians 1: 9; Colossians 4: 6 | ||
Developing effective communication and conflict resolution skills | |||
Being truthful, in love | 78 | Psalm 15: 2; 51: 6; Proverbs 4: 24; 6: 17; 8: 7; 10: 18; 12: 22; 14: 5; 27: 5; Malachi 2: 6; John 8: 44; 17:17; Romans 12: 9; Philippians 4: 8; Ephesians 4: 15, 25; Colossians 3: 9; I Peter 1: 22 | |
Resolving conflict | 221 | Matthew 5: 24; Romans 12: 18; Colossians 3: 13 | |
Forgiving | Psalm 25: 11; 38: 18; 86: 13, 15: 149: 8; Proverbs 10: 12; 11: 17; 17: 9; 19: 11; Matthew 6: 12–14; Luke 11: 4; Romans 2: 1; Colossians 3: 13 | ||
Joint Prayer | James 5: 16 | ||
Balanced power in relationship | 40, 391–395 | Proverbs 11: 1; Colossians 4: 1 | |
Foundational values and traits | Allowing divine work in your life | John 14: 16–17, 26; 16: 13; 17: 26; I Corinthians 3: 16; Philippians 2: 13; 4: 7; Colossians 1: 27; 3: 3; 2 Thessalonians 2: 13 | |
Secure attachment in family of origin, few “attachment injuries” | 201, 209, 341, 376 | Proverbs 30: 5 | |
Avoid carryover of insecure attachment problems in family of origin to current relationship (e.g., blaming partner for unresolved issues in your family of origin) | 209 | Genesis 2: 24 | |
Being able to commit unconditionally | 340–342 | Ruth 1: 16; Psalm 2: 17; Proverbs 5: 18; 17: 17; 28: 20; Malachi 2: 15 | |
Having pro-social values | 177 | Proverbs 6: 18; Psalm 66: 18; Romans 13: 8, 10; Mark 10: 19 | |
Able to earn a living with a valuable skill set | Exodus 20: 9; Deuteronomy 5: 13; Psalm 104: 23; Proverbs 4: 17; 6: 10; 10: 4, 16, 26; 12: 11–14, 24; 13: 4; 14: 23; 19: 15; 24: 33; 31: 13–22; Romans 12: 11; I Corinthians 4: 12; Ephesians 4: 28; I Thessalonians 4: 11; 2 Thessalonians 3: 10–12 | ||
Avoidance of sex or drug addictions | 385–390 | Proverbs 5: 3–17; 20: 1; 31: 4–7; John 8: 34; Romans 13: 13; I Corinthians 6: 10, 12; I Thessalonians 5: 7; 1 Timothy 3: 3; 6: 9 | |
Being vulnerable | 39 | Proverbs 20: 9; 28: 13; Psalm 19: 12; James 5: 16; I John 1: 19 | |
Being humble | Psalm 4: 4; 39: 4; 84: 10; Proverbs 3: 7; 6: 3, 17; 8: 13; 11: 2; 16: 5, 18–19; 22: 4; 26: 12; Isaiah 57: 15; Micah 6: 8; John 13: 14; Romans 12: 3, 16; James 3: 2; I Peter 5: 5–6; Philippians 2: 3, 8; Colossians 3: 12; Titus 3: 2 | ||
Focus on understanding other rather than justifying self | 210 | Deuteronomy 12: 8; Judges 17: 6; 21: 25; Proverbs 12: 15; 18: 13 | |
Being unselfish | 177 | Proverbs 22: 11; 31: 11; Philippians 2: 4; Romans 15: 2 | |
Developing personal virtue | 177 | Psalm 119: 11; 139: 23–24; Proverbs 4: 7; 12: 4; 16: 7, 31:11; Philippians 4: 8; I Peter 1: 16, 3: 4 | |
Not being impulsive | 187 | Proverbs 4: 26–27; 5: 21–23; 14: 29; 19: 32; Romans 13: 14; 2 Timothy 3: 4; I Peter 2: 1 | |
Being able to delay gratification | 187 | Psalm 1: 6; 84: 11; Proverbs 1: 19; 8: 36; 9: 11, 17–18; 10: 5, 24–25, 27–30; 11: 19; 12: 7; 11: 30–31; 13: 22; 14: 12; 16: 25; Romans 7: 14–24; 16: 18; Galatians 6: 7; Philippians 3: 19; Colossians 3: 5; 2 Timothy 3: 4; I Peter 2: 11 | |
Being emotionally secure before entering a close relationship | Proverbs 30: 23; Psalm 4: 7 | ||
Sexuality fidelity | 385 | Proverbs 6: 25; 7: 21; 23: 28; 28: 13; Romans 13: 9; I Corinthians 6:9, 18; 10: 8; 2 Corinthians 12: 21; Galatians 5: 19; I Thessalonians 4: 3–7; James 2: 11; Hebrews 13: 4 | |
Avoiding self-deceiving pride | Psalm 81: 12; Proverbs 3: 5; 14: 12; 16: 2, 25; 20: 6; 21: 2; 26: 12; 30: 12; Romans 12: 3; I Corinthians 3: 18–21 | ||
Trusting in God versus anything else | Job 13: 15; 39: 11; Proverbs 2: 6; 3: 5, 9, 10; Psalm 25: 2; 31: 6; 37: 3–4; 40: 3; 55: 23; 56: 3; 62: 8; 78: 22; 115: 9; 118: 8; 143: 8; Jeremiah 9: 23–24; 49: 11; Isaiah 26: 4; 50: 10; Matthew 6: 33 |
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Nazarinia Roy, R., Schumm, W.R., Britt, S.L. (2014). Relationship Maintenance. In: Transition to Parenthood. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4614-7768-6_7
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