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Self-Acceptance and the Parenting of Children

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The Strength of Self-Acceptance

Abstract

Children can represent both a joy and a challenge to their parents that can be met with either acceptance, warmth, responsiveness, and sensitivity, or in unaccepting, unresponsive, insensitive, neglectful, and/or hostile ways (Rubin & Burgess, 2002). Successful parenting has multiple determinants, with growing empirical support for the relevance of parents’ cognitions (Gavita, 2011a).

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Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. Department of Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, Babeş-Bolyai University, 37 Republicii Street, 400015, Cluj-Napoca, Romania

    Oana Alexandra Gavita Ph.D. & Daniel David Ph.D.

  2. Department of Psychology, St. Johns University, 8000 Utopia Parkway, Queens, NY, 11439, USA

    Raymond DiGiuseppe Ph.D.

  3. The Albert Ellis Institute, Queens, NY, 11439, USA

    Raymond DiGiuseppe Ph.D.

  4. Department of Oncological Sciences, Mount Sinai School of Medicine, New York, USA

    Daniel David Ph.D.

Authors
  1. Oana Alexandra Gavita Ph.D.
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  2. Raymond DiGiuseppe Ph.D.
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  3. Daniel David Ph.D.
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Corresponding author

Correspondence to Oana Alexandra Gavita Ph.D. .

Editor information

Editors and Affiliations

  1. , Melbourne Graduate School of Education, University of Melbourne, Melbourne, Australia

    Michael E. Bernard

Appendices

Appendix 1: The Parent Rational and Irrational Beliefs Scale (Gavita, 2011a; Gavita, DiGiuseppe, et al., 2011)

General instruction: This scale has two parts. Please follow the specific instructions as follows.

Instructions: Please think about a situation when your child(ren) disobey or disrespect you. Try and recall the thoughts that you have had in such situations.

When faced with adverse situations, some parents tend to think that situation absolutely must be the way they want (in terms of absolute must). In the same situation, other people think in preferential terms and accept the situation, even if they want very much that those situations do not happen and even they might try to change it. In light of these possibilities, please estimate how much the statements below represent the thoughts that you have in such situations.

1

2

3

4

5

Strongly disagree

Disagree

Neutral

Agree

Strongly agree

No.

Items

Factor

Process

2

If my child disobeys me, it doesn’t mean that I am a worthless person.

RBs

UA-S

7

I can stand when my child disobeys me, although it is difficult for me to tolerate it.

RBs

FT

9

I really do not want my child to disobey me, but I realize and accept that things do not have to always be the way I want them to be.

RBs

PRE

10

It is unpleasant and unfortunate to be disobeyed by my own child, but it is not terrible.

RBs

BAD

12

When my child disobeys me, I accept them as being worthwhile despite her/his poor behavior.

RBs

UA-O

14

If I am not a good parent, it doesn’t mean that I am a worthless person.

RBs

UA-S

19

I can stand to be a bad parent.

RBs

FT

21

I really do want to be a good parent, but I realize and accept that I may not always be as good at parenting as I want to be.

RBs

PRE

22

It is unpleasant and unfortunate to be a bad parent, but it is not terrible.

RBs

BAD

24

When I am not a good parent, I can accept my children as being worthwhile and not condemnable.

RBs

UA-O

1

My child absolutely must respect and obey me.

self

DEM

3

I think it is awful to be disobeyed by my own child.

IBs

AWF

5

It is unbearable to be disobeyed by my own child.

IBs

LFT

13

I absolutely must be a good parent.

IBs

DEM

15

I think it is awful to be a bad parent.

IBs

AWF

17

It is unbearable to think of myself as a bad parent.

IBs

LFT

11

When my child disobeys me, I think that my children are bad, worthless, or condemnable.

GE

GE-OD

23

If I am not a good parent, I think that my children are bad, worthless, or condemnable.

GE

GE-OD

16

If I am not a good parent, it means that I am worthless.

GE

GE-SD

4

If my child disobeys me, it means that I am worthless.

GE

GE-SD

6/18

I am always optimistic about my future.

–

Control

8/20

It is important for me to keep busy.

–

Control

Note. IBs Parental Rational and Irrational Beliefs Scale–Irrational Beliefs Subscale; RBs Parental Rational and Irrational Beliefs Scale–Rational Beliefs Subscale; FT frustration tolerance; PRE preferences; BAD badness; DEM demandingness; AWF awfulizing; LFT low frustration tolerance; GE Parental Rational and Irrational Beliefs Scale–Global Evaluation Subscale; UA-S unconditional acceptance-self; UA-O unconditional acceptance-other; GE global evaluation; GE-SD global evaluation-­self-downing; GE-OD global evaluation-other-downing

Appendix 2: “Psychological Pills” for Parents (Developed by Gavita & David)

  • I can accept myself as a parent even when my child does not obey or respect me.

  • When my child does not obey, I accept him/her despite this behavior.

  • I can accept myself even if sometimes I consider that I am not a good parent; I will do everything in my power to change my inefficient behaviors.

  • When I am not a good parent, I can accept my children as being worthwhile and not condemnable.

  • When my children do not appreciate or respect me, I can accept that it does not influence my self-worth, their worth in any way and it does not mean that my life is completely bad.

  • When I have difficulty parenting, I can accept that it does not influence my self-­worth in any way.

  • I very much want to be obeyed by my child, but I accept that things do not have to always be how I want.

  • I very much want to be a good parent and I am doing everything in my power for this, but if I do not manage to be a good parent all the time, it does not mean that I am worthless; it just shows that I had a poor behavior which can be improved in the future.

  • It is preferable to be obeyed by my child, and I am doing efforts for this, but when I do not manage this, it is very bad but not awful, and I can stand it.

  • I want very much to be appreciated and respected by my children, and I do my best to get it, but I accept that just because I want and/or worked hard for this, it does not mean that it necessarily must happen.

  • It is very bad and unpleasant if my children do not appreciate or respect me, but I can stand it, and search for solutions, positive alternatives, and/or ways to cope.

  • I can stand when my child disobeys me, although it is difficult for me to tolerate it.

  • It is unpleasant and unfortunate to be disobeyed by my own child but it is not terrible, and I can search for solutions, positive alternatives, and/or ways to cope.

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Gavita, O.A., DiGiuseppe, R., David, D. (2013). Self-Acceptance and the Parenting of Children. In: Bernard, M. (eds) The Strength of Self-Acceptance. Springer, New York, NY. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-1-4614-6806-6_11

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