Self-Acceptance in the Education and Counseling of Young People

Abstract

The contributors to this chapter all share a common view that central to an understanding of the emotional difficulties of young people as well as their happiness and life satisfaction is “self-acceptance.” We all believe that as a strength of character, self-acceptance provides young people with a way of looking at the world and, in particular, how they consider their own value and self-worth and leads to their emotional regulation, resilience (e.g., Bernard, 2004a; Bernard & Pires, 2006) as well as their willingness to experience life and grow. We recognize the central importance that schools and homes play in supporting the development of children’s self-acceptance. This chapter will focus on the different ways that self-acceptance can be communicated and taught in schools to young people of all ages who may or may not be experiencing problems of adjustment.

Appendices

Appendix 1 Child and Adolescent Survey of Self-Acceptance (Bernard, 2012a)

Gender: (circle one): boy girl School ____________________________ Grade/Class_____________

When you are ready to begin, please reach each sentence below and pick your answer by circling a number from “1” to “5.” The five possible answers for each sentence are:

1 = Strongly Disagree 2 = Disagree 3 = Not Sure 4 = Agree 5 = Strongly Agree

For example, if you were given the sentence “I like to read comic books,” you would circle a “1” if you Strongly Disagree. If you were given the sentence “I like to keep my room neat and tidy,” you would circle a “5” if you Strongly Agree. Please be sure to answer all of the questions.

	Strongly disagree	Disagree	Not sure	Agree	Strongly agree
1. When I think about me, I am proud of whom I am	1	2	3	4	5
2. Saying something stupid in front of others shows I am an idiot	1	2	3	4	5
3. When my father or mother criticizes me for doing the wrong thing, I know that I still have my good points	1	2	3	4	5
4. I am someone who needs my friends to like me to feel important and to be worthwhile	1	2	3	4	5
5. When a classmate treats me unfairly, I think I must be a hopeless person	1	2	3	4	5
6. When a classmate teases me about the way I look or talk or what I say, I think it is okay to be different	1	2	3	4	5
7. When my friends don’t ask me to do things with them, I think I’m a loser	1	2	3	4	5
8. When I get a lower grade than I want, I am good at reminding myself that I am capable.	1	2	3	4	5
9. When I think about what I cannot do very well, I still proud of who I am	1	2	3	4	5
10. People would like me more if I wasn’t such a loser	1	2	3	4	5
11. When I don’t succeed in school in a subject that is important to me, I am likely to think I’m a complete failure	1	2	3	4	5
12. I know a lot about my positive qualities	1	2	3	4	5
13. When things are boring, I think I’m a dull and uninteresting person	1	2	3	4	5
14. When I look in the mirror and see something I don’t like (for example, my hair, my skin, my nose), I know I still have good things about me	1	2	3	4	5
15. When I make mistakes in my schoolwork, I can think of things I am good at	1	2	3	4	5
16. I am someone who needs to get good grades to feel important and worthwhile	1	2	3	4	5

$$\text{Positive}\,\text{Self-Regard}:\frac{}{1}+\frac{}{3}+\frac{}{6}+\frac{}{8}+\frac{}{9}+\frac{}{12}+\frac{}{14}+\frac{}{15}$$

$$\text{Negative}\,\text{Self-Evaluation}:\frac{}{2}+\frac{}{4}+\frac{}{5}+\frac{}{7}+\frac{}{10}+\frac{}{11}+\frac{}{13}+\frac{}{16}$$

Appendix 2 

Introducing Self-Acceptance to Your Students

I want to introduce you to a topic we are going to be learning about over the next few weeks that is called “Self Acceptance.” I’ll write that on the board for you to see.

Who has an idea of what you think we might mean by “self acceptance?” Think about it yourself and then take a minute to talk quietly to the person beside you about what those words might mean.

Who wants to share your ideas with the class? Let’s hear a few ideas around the room. Great suggestions! You’re really on the ball!

We say “Self Acceptance is being proud of who you are no matter what.” I’ll write that on the board.

Now, why do we think it is so important to teach you about self-acceptance? Well, self-acceptance is a powerful thing. It can help you to stay positive when you hit a challenging situation. And we all have those at times, don’t we?

Has anyone ever got a bad mark on a project or a test? Well, accepting myself thinking encourages us to not to be too hard on ourselves and put ourselves down when something like that happens.

Has anyone ever been teased, or left out of a game? Well, accepting myself thinking encourages us not to think badly about ourselves just because of something someone else said or did.

Has anyone ever felt bad because they weren’t able to do something very well and other kids could do it well? Well, accepting myself thinking reminds us that we can’t be good at everything and that we all have our own skills and talents.

So, hands up who thinks they’d like to learn more about this important topic? Fantastic! And do you know what? It’s not just kids who need to learn about self-­acceptance! It’s adults too! Your teachers, your parents, EVERYONE needs to work on developing and practicing their self-acceptance!

Appendix 3 Introducing Self-Acceptance (Bernard, 2013)

Self-acceptance means

… being aware of all your strengths (personal, family, cultural) and your not-so-positive qualities that everyone has because no one is perfect. It also means being aware of how you are similar to and different from others…

… you believe that it is okay to be different. You believe you have the right to be yourself and the way you want to be providing that the health and wellbeing of others and yourself are respected.

… if you are not good at doing something, if someone is critical of you or if you have behaved badly, you still respect who you are while trying to improve what you do. You do not think negatively about who you are.

… you do not need everyone to like you all the time to feel worthwhile. You do not need to get the top grade to feel that you are valuable. You do not judge your self-worth by your school performance and by what other people think of you.

… you are proud of who you are because of your special and important qualities.

Examples of “Accepting Myself” Self-Talk

Happening: You get a C- in English.

Self-Talk: “Let’s try and get more out of the next exam, Let’s have more practice. My value as a person is not made up by my test/exam score.”

Happening: Being excluded from a game.

Self-Talk: “I can cope with being excluded, it doesn’t mean I am a loser. I am who I am, I’m still proud of who I am. I don’t need to be included in a game to feel good about myself, to be a worthwhile people.”

Happening: Failing a test on one of my good subjects.

Self-Talk: “I can try again. Believe in myself. Be resilient. Be myself.”

Happening: When I am not good enough at doing something.

Self-Talk: “I don’t need to be good/have to be good at everything. It’s who I am and who I think I am that’s important.” “I need to respect myself for who I am.”

Happening: Not doing so well on a math test.

Self-Talk: “I’m better at other things. Everyone is different and this test isn’t the end of the world even if it was challenging. I am proud of me.”

Happening: Being talked about behind my back.

Self-Talk: “I can choose whether I let this get me down or not. I am the best I can be. I have to accept myself. I am proud of what I am.”

Appendix 4 Examples of Student Feedback: Accepting Myself (Bernard, 2013)

Write down what Accepting Myself means to you…

• 1. To know and be proud of who I am and to accept myself with my good qualities despite any troubles or issues I may have.

• 2. Accepting who you are and be proud to be you. Don’t try to be like someone else just be yourself. It is good to be different, no one is perfect.

• 3. Even though I’m not perfect and different to others I am still me and I have unique things about who I am. Be proud of yourself and just be you.

• 4. You accept yourself as who you are, what you do, and not be ashamed if you are different from others.

• 5. To appreciate what I have got and to be myself the way I want to be.

• 6. Everyone has different qualities (good or bad) and you need to accept those qualities.

• 7. Being proud and happy for who you are because no one is the same or perfect.

• 8. Everyone has a right to be who they are even when they do something bad. Everyone is different with pros and cons and they can change.

• 9. If you’re not good at something, you need to accept who you are and your bad qualities that you might need to improve in.

• 10. Accepting both the good and bad qualities about yourself even though you would prefer something different.

• 11. Being proud of who you are and believing in yourself no matter what happens.

• 12. Accepting all of yourself, the bad qualities and the good.

• 13. Accepting you and other people for who they are and with their different qualities.

• 14. I know I’m not good at some things but I’m not going to get angry with myself.

Appendix 5 Examples of Curriculum Lessons that Teach Self-Acceptance

Cool Cat (Vernon, 2006)—grades 1/2

Objective: To learn how to accept yourself for who you are.

Materials: A copy of the Cool Cat story.

Procedure

• 1. Read the following story to children.

Cool Cat

Once upon a time there was a black cat named Blackie. Blackie was a very unhappy cat and everyone knew it. When his mother would purr and tell him what a beautiful coat of black fur he had, Blackie would hiss, “Don’t call me Blackie—I hate my color.” So his mother stopped mentioning the color of his fur and instead, praised him for being such a good mouser. Blackie snarled at her and said angrily, “I’m not a good mouser—most of them get away.” So his mother stopped commenting on his ability as a mouser, and instead told him how happy she was that he could jump so high. “That’s no big deal… all cats can jump high,” said Blackie. Her mother just shook her head. “Oh, Blackie,” she said, why can’t you accept yourself as you are? You’re a cool cat and you can do lots of things. Sure, “there are things you can’t do, but that’s how it is for every cat. Isn’t there anything you like about yourself?” Blackie meowed softly, “Well, I sort of like the white tip on my tail, even though I wish I had white paws too.”

“You are right—your tail is very pretty, but you can’t change the fact that your paws aren’t white. Does it make you happy to think about things like this that you can’t change about yourself?” asked Mama Cat.

“I guess not, but I just wish I could be a great mouser like Tom cat, and I wish I had tan fur like Toffee cat.”

“I understand that you might like to be different, but just like you can’t change the color of your paws, you can’t change the color of your fur. But, maybe you could learn to be a better mouser if you paid close attention to how Tom cat does it. But even if you aren’t a great mouser, does that make you a bad cat?”

“I suppose not,” replied Blackie. “That’s right,” said Mama Cat. “It doesn’t make you a bad cat, it just makes you a cat who can do some things better than others. And since you told me that it doesn’t make you happy to think about what you can’t do or how you don’t think you are as cool as other cats, what can you do the next time you start thinking about the things you don’t like?”

“Well,” said Blackie, I could…

• 2. Elicit responses from the children about what Blackie could do when he starts thinking about what he doesn’t like about himself.

Discussion

Content Questions

• 1. What did Blackie like about himself?

• 2. What didn’t Blackie like about himself?

• 3. What advice did Mama cat have for Blackie about accepting himself?

Personalization Questions

• 1. What are some things you like about yourself?

• 2. Are there things you would like to change? Invite sharing

• 3. If there are things you don’t like about yourself, does that mean there is nothing good about you?

• 4. What can you tell yourself if you are acting like Blackie and only thinking about the things you don’t like about yourself?

To the Leader

Emphasize the concept of self-acceptance—accepting oneself with positive as well as negative qualities.

A Lesson to Teach Self-Acceptance (Bernard, 2007; grades 5+)

Objectives

• 1. Students will be able to state a word (emotional vocabulary) for describing how they feel when something bad happens (“down”).

• 2. Students will be able to identify their positive and not-so-positive characteristics.

• 3. Students will be able to state that all people are made up of positive and not-so-positive characteristics.

• 4. Students will be able to explain that it doesn’t make sense to rate themselves as bad or hopeless when something negative happens.

• 5. Students will learn that if they want to get along with themselves and not feel so down when something bad happens, they can think Accepting Myself thoughts.

Materials

Handouts for Students

Notes

All children are vulnerable to negative events and circumstances that occur at school and home that involve rejection (e.g. being teased, criticized, yelled at, or laughed at, having a bad hair day or bad skin, being excluded) or lack of achievement (e.g. poor years on report card, many errors on a spelling test, “red” comments made by teacher on written assignment, losing at tennis, poor performance relative to peers).

In this session, you will be providing children with a form of resistance or inoculation so that when they encounter negative events, they have a self-protecting Habit of the Mind we call Accepting Myself. The natural instinct of most children when exposed to negative events (rejection, lack of achievement) is to think, “Because this bad thing has happened, I am a loser and a failure.” This pattern of thinking called Self-Downing leads to low self-acceptance if children are exposed to a sufficient number of bad events or a few intense negative events (e.g. harsh treatment by a parent, reading difficulties). In teaching Accepting Myself, you will want to help children to: (1) identify their positive and not-so-good characteristics; (2) understand that they do not lose their positives when something bad happens; and (3) understand that it doesn’t make sense to ever think of themselves as totally hopeless when something bad happens or because they have one or more not-so-good characteristics.

The goal for children when confronted with a negative event is to think to themselves: “This is not so good, but it is not the end of the world. I am still me. I still have many terrific qualities. I am still capable of achieving.” Accepting Myself is a ­powerful Habit of the Mind to combat the inevitable knocks all children experience.

Scripted Lesson

• I. Introductory Discussion

  • A. If you are a new visitor to a classroom and students do not know you, introduce yourself as a psychologist, counsellor, social worker, or teacher and askfor someone to define what a psychologist/counsellor/social worker does. If you are a teacher, emphasize that teachers are interested in teaching students a whole range of skills for not only doing the best they can in their school work, but also in getting along with each other.

  • B. To develop rapport with the students ask them to state their name before responding to your questions. Rather than stand in the front of the class, circulate among the students so that you become more familiar to them. As well, determine from the students the class rule for responding to questions and listening to others so that students do not simply call out their answers and talk while others are talking.

• II. Introductory Discussion/Activity: “Who Wants to Feel Down?”

  • A. Indicate that the purpose of today’s session is to learn some new ideas about how to stay confident when you are not having a very good day.

  • B. Ask for a definition of Confidence. Provide a general definition including: not being overly concerned with what others think if you make a mistake or do your work, not being afraid to fail, not being too hard on yourself when you make mistakes in your school work, and having trust in yourself that you will be successful (e.g. predicting eventual success).

  • C. Distribute the Handouts for Students and draw students attention to the Emotional Thermometer worksheet. Indicate that it measures how upset someone gets.

  • D. In a humorous manner, display the emotion of feeling down (e.g. looking miserable). Say aloud what happened to you such as, “I’ve just been called a ‘jerk’ by four kids in my class and I feel _____,” (ask students to guess the feeling). In displaying the feeling of being down, ask for different words to describe the feeling. Indicate that the word you would use to describe how you feel when someone is not nice to you or when things are not going well in your schoolwork is “down.”

    Happenings	Feeling
    ??	Very down (8–10°)
    	Lose confidence

  • E. Using the chart above, ask for some examples of things that can happen at school and at home that can lead them to getting very down (point to the top part of the thermometer 8–10°). Ask several students to volunteer answers. As students provide answers, write them below the word “Happening.” Look for the following: not being allowed to play, not getting invited to a class party, someone making a mean comment (teasing), not doing well in a test, classmates laughing at an answer given by a student to a teacher’s question, and getting badly criticized for not doing homework. As students self-disclose a time/situation when they felt down, ask for a show of hands of other classmates who also get down when the same type of event occurs. Discuss how, when you get very down, you tend to lose your confidence.

  • F. Ask the silly question: “Who likes the feeling of being very down?” Gain agreement that it doesn’t feel very nice. Explain that the specific purpose of the lesson is for students to learn what they can do when something bad happens to them so that they do not get so down and so they do not lose their confidence.

  • G. On the board, display the following summary diagram using examples provided by students of “happenings” that can get them down:

    Happening Ú	Thinking Ú	Feeling
    Being teased	??	Down (8–10°)
    Being yelled at		Lose confidence
    Not being allowed to play
    Getting a bad grade

    Ask the question: “When you get very down (7, 8, 9, or 10 on the Emotional Thermometer), what would you be thinking about yourself when something bad happens?” Acknowledge all answers, but write down in the “Thinking” column the answer that either a student (or you) provide: “I’m dumb,” “I’m stupid,” “I’m no good.” Explain that the thinking illustrated in the next diagram is called “negative” thinking. Explain how it is their thinking—rather than the happening—that causes them to feel down and lose their confidence. Ask for students to explain this relationship until everyone in the class understands. You might also indicate that negative thoughts are not sensible, not true, and not helpful. (Depending on the age/cognitive maturity of the students, you can substitute the words “irrational thoughts” for “negative thoughts.”)

    Happening Ú	Thinking Ú	Feeling
    Being teased	“I’m dumb”	Down (8–10°)
    	“I’m no good”	Lose confidence
    Being yelled at	“I’m hopeless”
    Not being allowed to play
    Getting a bad grade

  • H. Explain that you will show students a way of thinking that will help them to not get so down—but rather, feel confident—when something bad happens to them.

    Ask students, “Rather than feeling very down—8 to 10 on the Emotional Thermometer—what would be a better emotional temperature to have?” Gain agreement that feeling only a little down—say, 3 to 4—would be better.

    Indicate that they will need to rip up their negative, irrational thoughts and substitute more positive rational thoughts. Explain that the next activity will help them discover more rational and positive things to think when something bad happens.

    Illustrate these relationships as follows

    Happening Ú	Thinking Ú	Feeling
    Being teased	“I’m dumb”	Down (8–10°)
    Being yelled at	“I’m no good”	Lose confidence
    Not being allowed to play	“I’m hopeless”
    Getting a bad grade	??	A little down
    		(3–4°)
    		Still confident

  • III. “Complex You” Individual Activity

    • A. Draw student’s attention to the student worksheet Self-Wheel. Instruct students to fill in the appropriate wheel spoke (+) or (−) as you read aloud the following unfinished statements (emphasize that “I don’t know” or “Nothing” are not acceptable answers):

      • 1. I am good at _____

      • 2. I could improve in _____

      • 3. One of the things I like best about myself is _____

      • 4. One thing I would like to change about myself is _____

      • 5. Other people think or say I am good at _____

      • 6. Other people say I need to improve in _____

      • 7. One very good thing I have done is _____

      • 8. One mistake I have made is _____

    • B. Invite students who finish early to illustrate each spoke using markers, crayons, and pens to create pictures within each space.

    • C. Call on several students to share their wheels with the class, explaining the content of each spoke. Make the point that all people are complex, not simple, and that it is important for each of the students to be aware of their good points as well as those areas that could be improved on. Emphasize that people’s good qualities are not just trying hard and getting good grades in school. Lots of other characteristics of themselves are important too. Ask: “What’s more important, getting an ‘A’ in reading or being a good friend?” Answer: they are both good qualities to have.

    • D. Ask students if they would throw out a bicycle if they found that one of its wheels had a broken spoke. Ask them to explain their answers. Ask them whether it makes sense to think they’re hopeless and negate their good points when something bad happens.

    • E. Ask for some suggestions about more positive ways to think about yourself when something bad happens at school or home, with friends or strangers, or even if you are simply having a bad hair day. Use the following diagram as illustration, including comments by students covering their new way of thinking.

      Happening Ú	Thinking Ú	Feeling
      Being teased	“I’m dumb”	Down (8–10°)
      		Lose confidence
      Being yelled at
      Not being allowed to play
      Getting a bad grade
      	“I’m no good”
      	“I’m hopeless”
      	“Even though that thing happened, I’m still capable and people like me”	A little down
      		(3–4°)
      		Still confident

    • F. the activity by emphasizing that everyone has choices about how to think about themselves when something bad happens. Encourage students to think positive, rational thoughts.

    • IV. Homework Activity: Don’t Think Negatively

      • A. Draw students’ attention to the worksheet Don’t Think Negatively. Instruct students that for homework you would like them to draw a picture of some event that has happened to them at school where they ended up feeling down (7, 8, 9, or 10 on the Emotional Thermometer) or draw something that could happen at school where they would get to feeling down. Ask them to write down any negative thoughts that they had at the time or that would get them down (e.g. “I’m hopeless, dumb, no one likes me,”). Indicate that in the last activity, you will be asking students to substitute their negative thoughts for positive thoughts.

      • B. You will want to make the point that students (as does everyone) have a choice about what to think when something bad happens. Ask the question: “Who controls your thinking?” Reinforce the idea that we determine what we think, not our parents or teachers. This is our personal source of power to deal with the not-so-nice things that can happen.

      • C. Ask students to practise more positive and/or rational ways of thinking during the week if something bad happens.

Directions: Fill in the spaces between the spokes of this wheel by completing the statements your teacher reads aloud.

Appendix 6 Self-Help Tips for Strengthening Your Self-Acceptance (Bernard, 2012b)

Self-Acceptance Boosters

• Starting the day with a positive mindset holding yourself in high regard and knowing that no matter what happens, you will accept yourself.

• Pat yourself on the back when you have completed something difficult. Do not take your success for granted!

• Take the time to think about how you look and how you come across to others—looking confident helps boost your self-acceptance.

• Have a positive and open attitude toward change—change of job, house, and friends.

• Relax in pressure situations like meeting someone new or doing something where you might not be successful at first.

• Think back to the last time you succeeded at doing something that was hard to do and remind yourself: “I’ve done hard things before, I can do this now!”

• Expressing your opinion knowing that others may disagree; being able to accept their disagreements as professional not personal.

Self-Acceptance Busters

• Getting down and taking things personally

• Blowing bad things out of proportion

• Needing people to approve of everything you do

• Having to do things perfectly

• Over-focussing on things that go wrong including people’s opinion of you

• Ignoring positive events

Use Self-Accepting Self-Talk

“It is normally better to be liked by others, but disapproval does not make me a worse person.”

“I accept who I am, even though I may not like some of my traits and behaviors.”

“My performance at work—perfect or otherwise—does not determine my worth as a person.”

“Mistakes and setbacks are inevitable. I will accept myself while disliking my mistakes and setbacks.”

“No matter what, I accept myself.”